I’m Angry With My Toothpaste!

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I gave a little talk to some kids at AWANA last night and wanted to share it with you. It was intended to make the kids laugh and think. The older kids seemed to get it, but it might have went over the heads of the little ones. It’s adapted from a post I wrote a long time ago.


Here’s the audio if you want to listen to it.


Slide2

I’m so ANGRY with my toothpaste! I’m so upset with my toothpaste that I wrote a note to it and I want to share it to you. Is that ok? Can I share the note I wrote to my toothpaste with you?

Dear Toothpaste…

No, wait… you’re not “Dear”… I don’t like you. Let me start again:

Oh toothpaste, I don’t like you anymore! You’ve really let me down! You made some pretty big promises to me, and you’re not keeping them!

When I’m watching TV I see your commercials and you tell me that I need you so badly. You say that if I don’t buy you, and use you, and keep using you all the time… people won’t respect me, or love me or enjoy my company. You say that no one loves a person who doesn’t have super shiny, glowing, white teeth. Everyone in the commercial is so happy, so successful! Surrounded by minty, bubbly wonderfulness! They have great jobs, and nice cars, and beautiful people around them… and you say that it’s all because of you, toothpaste!

I look around myself and I don’t have that. I don’t feel beautiful all the time. I don’t feel successful all the time. And you told me that the reason for all my problems is because my choppers are too dull. You say that if my incisors, canines, bicuspids and molars were whiter, I’d smile more often, be more popular, have a more positive attitude, have more friends and a happier life.

Slide6And it’s not just the good stuff that have imprisoned me in your diabolical trap, there are also the fearsome negatives of not having perfectly white teeth… those scary promises that you and your cohorts with the drills and the sugar-free gum (the… d.d.d.dentists…) have pounded into my brain since the days of my youth.

“BEWARE! Your tooth-enamel will never, EVER grow back! If you drinking pop or coffee, you may as well be drinking battery acid! If you forget to brush before you go to sleep, right after you wake, after yoy eat, or snack, or chew a little too much… you will contract all sorts of terrible, horribly, scary maybe-even-fatal diseases like tartar buildup, gingivitis, periodontitis, halitosis, bleeding gums, heart disease, arthritis, or maybe even cancer!!!”  (Scream!)

Slide8“BUT NEVER FEAR!”, you say, “I, TOOTHPASTE, will make it all better! I will save you! I will take away all the bad things in your life and give you all the good things!”

And I try to follow your ways, I really do! I try to keep up with this maniacally strict regimen of brush-rinse-floss-rinse-pick-swirl-massage-rinse-repeat, but FORGIVE ME TOOTHPASTE for I have sinned — it has been 8 hours since my last brushing! Cleanse me of my filmy iniquity, wash me clean from the foul odor of last night’s garlic pizza.

In truth, when I think about it Toothpaste, the reason I need you is because I’m scared! I live in a world which is more concerned with how I look, how fresh my breath is, how clean my teeth are, what kind of things I have —- rather than who I am, what I love, or even my talents. People judge me by how I look on the outside far more than what is on my insides – so I’ve convinced myself that I need you. I need you, o Toothpaste, to make me right with the world. I need you, o Toothpaste, because without you no one will like me.

Slide10And then I turned on the TV, and I saw another commercial, and I realized, to my everlasting shame, that I had been using an old kind of toothpaste! The toothpaste I had been using has been surpassed and is not fit for today’s diabolical dental attacks. This must be where I went wrong. This must be why my life isn’t perfect. I though that for sure, this Toothpaste must be where I need to go to get peace, and love, and friendship, and hope, and happiness!

And so I gave my offering unto another, better, NEWER toothpaste! I don’t know what it means, but it’s iso-active. It’s got baking soda. It’s got peroxide. It’s got ultra-foaming-action. It whitens, brightens, lightens, heightens and frightens all the sugar-bugs and plaque buildup away.

And I brush. Two times a day I brush. Yea, verily, three times daily do I brush! Surely the wondrous technology captured within the chemicals of this intoxicatingly minty-mixture will overcome my shortfalls. Surely this seven dollar tube of menthol flavored miracle juice will make my life better. Surely the science behind this cool-blue gel full of elements, compounds and lofty promises will finally bring me everything I’ve ever wanted: success, fame, fortune, the adulation of an adoring public, respect, a secure home, a blissful, pain-free existence! Surely this is the missing link, the key to everything that I’ve ever hoped for!

But alas no. It has been two months now and I have no more friends, fortune, success or adulation than I did before. And so I am writing this note to you Toothpaste. I’m angry with you, Toothpaste. I am turning my wrath unto the giver of these great promises… you, O toothpaste. You have let me down. I don’t know what to do now. (SIGH)

So, Toothpaste, I’m going to go to AWANA tonight and I’m going to ask them for some help.

AWANA I'm Angry With My Toothpaste

So what do you think, everyone. If toothpaste doesn’t work to make me feel safe, happy, joyful and loved… maybe I should try some new things to make me feel better.

I think I’m going to try video games first! They make me feel smart. They make me feel like a hero, like an explorer. I can spend hours on them and never have to talk to any real person who might say something bad to me. Hmm… I wonder if that will work? Do you think I’ll feel better for the rest of my life if I play more video games?

Hmm… maybe not…

Ok, what about shopping? If I change my clothes, buy fun things, use all my money to impress the people around me by buying things I don’t really need, do you think I’ll feel better?

No… Hmmm… this is tough…

Well, what about sports? What if I get really, really good at sports, and win all the games and get all the trophies, and get my face on a cereal box? Will that make me happy? Hmm… maybe for a while. But if I make my happiness comes by playing and winning at sports, then what happens if I lose some games, or get hurt, or get too old to play?

Yeah, that’s no good…

Wow, this is hard! Can you think of someone I can count on that will never let me down, that will show me how to know happiness and joy for the rest of my life, that will help me not be afraid, that loves me from the inside out, that tells me the truth all the time, that never needs anything from me except for me to love Him? Can you think of someone that loved me so much they were willing to give everything up for me, even their own life, and then showed how amazing they are by even conquering death so I would have nothing to fear?

Yeah… Jesus!

Maybe I don’t need to worry about all that other stuff. Maybe all I need is Jesus.